So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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