the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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