The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
