I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
