she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
