my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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