Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
