before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
