Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
