I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
