3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
