Only a mothe r could love this liver
it hurts more in the daytime
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
