theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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