Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
