Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
