google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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