??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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