today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I believe in your delicious
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
