Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
