I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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