No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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