If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
