I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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