I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I licked your asshole in confidence.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
