You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
