mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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