I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
