the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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