I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
