Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
