I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wish you could order shots online.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
