I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
