there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
