I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
