Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
