Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
