worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
