You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
