I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
