You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
