pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
