I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Someone signed my nipple.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
