sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
