im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
