Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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