Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
