I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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