Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Randomize
