Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
