Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
