two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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