i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
