I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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